most of the time it's a struggle to not give up on everything.

most of the time I want to stay in and sleep for a week straight but I can't even manage 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

most of the time I wish-

for things I'll never get.

my personal statement

for the past hour, my fingers have been lingering over the keyboard, occasionally clicking sounds can be heard, they start off hesitantly, pauses between words such as 'ambitious' 'career' and 'thought-provoking'', then forcefully as the delete button is punched at repeatedly

I cannot make myself accommodate such words to so effortlessly frame a lie depicting the person I am not.

I cannot do this personal statement.

If I didn't have an audience to impress, my personal statement would be a compilation of my daily tweets and a couple of my blog posts

- etc :

 1. I just really need a degree. After all I am in my second year and I am paying my fees and a string of Bs is decent right??? You have to take me in! *voice escalates 5 pitches higher
(me arguing on a case)

2. I wanted to write for a living. I suppose it was the peak of my unrealistic phase of attempting to be ambitious before settling for law. Of course I was 10 and into Enid Blyton.
(me on my ambition(s))

3. I wouldn't claim to be highly interested in politics but I would say a good 50% of my Facebook/Twitter friends are judging by the amount of 'Results from Anwar's case' and Sedition charges' posts I have to wade through on my newsfeed. Occasionally I click on them and skim through the contents. Admittedly only if more than 50 people share the same post and I resort to doing it out of curiosity.
(me if they insist on inquiring into my involvement in politics)

4. I do sympathise with the oppressed and victims of injustice. But really, last semester I had to draft an employment contract and brief a case on behalf of a disgruntled ex-employee and still, I stay silent when I don't get paid months after a job.
(me if they question me on my stand in fighting for women/children rights)

This personal statement will get me places.

I get so frustrated nowadays. Sometimes it happens between a 'Hi' and 'How are you'.

Maybe I'm just really bored with everything around me.

I'm only at page109/1318 of Murakami's 1Q84.

I should start writing better pieces instead of updating this whiny 12 year old's diary of a blog.

5

here are a few of my greatest feats today :

1. washed my hair under 25 minutes

(Truth - I was aiming for 45 minutes because I had nothing to do for the rest of the day but you can only shampoo and condition your hair along to Iggy's Work for so long before your arms start aching)

2. finished about 750ml of soy milk at 10pm

(Truth - It's 1am now and I finished the entire carton, thats 1litre which only sounds slightly more comforting than 1000ml)

3. am at episode 48 of The Empress of China

(Truth - I'm starting to have dreams in which everyone has porcelain like features and are dressed in robes and are adorned with head ornaments)

4. ate 4 bars of chocolate

(Truth - I don't even regret my actions)

5. managed 2 minutes of The Bold & The Bootiful Workout! by blogilates before shuddering and collapsing onto the couch

(Truth ^)


well that's it. I think 5 is a good number to stop at. No one adds 6 or 9 items to a list. The thought of it makes me twitch. Lists should always end at 5 or 10 or 20.

(Truth - 5 is all I have)

I think I'll start on my UCAS application and get my driving license sometime this week.

(Truth - Right now I have my hair pushed back, a face mask on, and am seated in a fairly unflattering position that manages to enhance both my double chin and the size of my thighs) 

Yes goodnight.

in real life

In real life, I am barely 5 feet 1. And I place much emphasis on the 1.

In real life, I have unruly hair that requires frequent wash & blow visits at the saloon.

In real life, I slur my words and my voice escalates to a higher pitch when I get excited.

In real life, I get excited a lot.

In real life, I would dash across a street oblivious of incoming vehicles to pet a puppy.

In real life, I squeal 'omg shit' a lot.

In real life, I spend 10 frustrated minutes jamming a key in the wrong direction before unlocking a door

In real life, I have an affinity for starting my sentences with 'hey do you wanna know about' and trail off with 'oh never mind's.

Would you like me in real life

I like cake.

Griffiths Cafe Pastries Project : Michelle's Kitchen 

Hello there. So I am no baker. Neither can I tell the difference between self-rising and all-purpose flour (even when the packaging is labelled with capitalised letters) But if there’s one thing I’m sure of is the making of a good dessert (Thank you Mum for the many years of cake tasting and cookie batter eating opportunities you granted to me) (Also I wake up to the smell of freshly baked pastries almost everyday)

No I’m not Michelle. (very obviously obvious*) and I don’t own a kitchen (yet or anytime soon). 

*sorry if my grammar made you cringe I really had to make a point

That’s all my Mum. I would sit her down for an interview but it’s 2.15AM now and the only time my Mum is awake at 2.15AM is because she has cakes/pies to be baked. Not even kidding. 

So for every dig you take into that slice of cake with your fork, every mouthful of the perfect balance of sweetness = pure passion 

(lol)

At this point I should be in shame of the addition of 'can't make a cake without making a wrong calculation of the weight of butter needed' to my long list of Melisa's incapabilities.

Don't worry. If you order a cake, I won't be making any measurements.

I just take a lot of photos. and blog. and eat a lot of cake.

 Mum and Holland Pie 

(if you noticed I don't do food descriptions because it's something I can't manage well usually I end up listing all the ingredients, etc upon biting into this pie you will discover blueberries, almonds, cream cheese...)

my Mum shouldn't know about the use of her photo on my social media accounts in fact she shouldn't know about any of my social media accounts kidding 

maybe I aspire to convert everyone into having a 80% cake diet.

I can tell that it's working.

Louie who once claimed ' Who would eat cake, cake is horrible, cake is not food' (yes till today I gasp in horror) had cake cravings a couple of days ago. 

There he was sitting on the couch, casually looking up and saying 'I feel like having cake'

*shiny eyes

*rubs hand in glee

Yes anyway. 

to join our cult

In case you happen to have such cravings *intense stare

contact us! 

Social Platforms :

Instagram @ michellekitchen_gf

Facebook Page @ http://www.facebook.com/michellekitchengf

Email @ michellekitchengf@outlook.com

Contact Number @ +60198188438

Goodnight ! 

*more intense staring

#AppreciationPost1

Once, in the midst of a conversation in the car,  Louie swivelled around -

(yes he manages to spin around in the driver's seat the same way one would in an office chair, also he is equipped with the talent of multitasking, etc - scrolling through Facebook, pinching both my cheeks, rapping to some nigger song, reading song lyrics, checking Waze and ignoring me, all while manoeuvring through a collection of vehicles, portholes and traffic lights)

(I might be exaggerating I might not be)

(He drives me everywhere since I have yet to attain the minimum degree of skills required to handle a car on my own on roads beyond the boundaries of my neighbourhood without being a liability to everyone else)

(in other words, I can't drive)

- and said : 'Do you know what you're really really really good at?' -

(he doesn't usually use a word thrice in a row so he must have really wanted to make a point)

- Me : '*rearranges facial expression to portray the right amount of abashment and delight in anticipation for the flow of compliments* Mhmmmmmm?'

Him : 'You're really really really good at......................... Instagram'

(I still find this amusing 4-5 months later)

I mostly Instagram the better bits of my life, on good hair days, pricey brunches, planned celebrations, array of cakes on display, smiley faces. Sometimes they're filtered so prettily, with all the right setting and lighting, perfect balance of contrasts of colours, they feel so irrelevant. 

The thing about you, is that in no way do I discount our downs. I can't add a fancily named filter to distract away from the flaws or blur out the blemishes. Can't crop out that bit you don't want in your picture. You just learn to stop emphasising on them and start accepting it all.

and it's not hard to do so when the ups outweighs everything else, and it's you.

p/s: this is from the girl who was adamant about turning into a spinster with 50 dogs because 'the whole relationship thing is a lie' and 'what is love if it's not cake'

You're so much better than cake and quesadillas *,*

Also you're my #AppreciationPost1

Hehehehehe. Sorry for the online PDA!

Do you not know the recipe for a concoction so potent it acts as well as any explosive out there?

A 4 seconds interval between about a lifetime of sharp words, an angry person, grudges, and a slip of the tongue.

Do you not know the kill switch for this bomb?

Because I do not.

do better

when you'd been out an entire day, and at the end of it all you want is the familiar left turn into the street you live in, the welcoming sight of the driveway, to swing the front door open, to step into a 20 minutes long hot shower and work up a lather of scented body wash and shampoo, to hear the thud of your body collapsing in relief onto your bed.

to have all the dirt and grime of unpleasantness from the outside world all fervently scrubbed at and scraped away, washed down the drain hole.

I wish I could do that with my life right now. Strip the past 20 years away and start from scratch.

I could do so much better.

Relationships with others, 

we misrepresent them to be more durable than they really are, making them out to be this barrage, an endless stretch of concrete wall furnished with steel poles, when most of the time, parts of this wall have been rendered paper thin from unresolved arguments, cracks have found their way in through discontement, and water starts seeping out, first in trickles, then a steady stream, until enough pressure builds up against this wall and it collapses. 

But it's okay. Everyone else saw this coming. They tell you to evacuate, to steer clear of this place, to isolate yourself, to give yourself time, because this wall can be rebuilt. 

Relationship with yourself,

they're a dependable source, a place of refuge, you're there to mend and plaster away at the first signs of a threat.

so it's disconcerting, to be detached from yourself. You shouldn't disconnect with an entity you belong to.

sometimes, the feeling of isolation is so intense, it's almost like I'm looking at myself from a distance.

and I do not like what I see.

and I really want this to stop.

It's day 4 of finals and into the 2nd paper and the welt on my left finger has swelled up to an alarming size.

So has the pimple on my right cheek. 

(this is how exhausted I look now and I was sweating from carrying so many books around uni and ended up collapsing outside of the exam room)

and because I am horribly uncreative and tired I'm copying and pasting all my finals related tweets here 

-Wish I were going to Korea too instead of being stuck in this horrible room with criminal law to study (Louie went to Korea for a week I'm sorry I like to stick to him all the time I should stop I have criminal law)

- Bought so much chocolate milk (Ashley in reference to me dumping 1litre of chocolate milk on the counter in 7-11 ; "you're getting that?? I'm not judging btw")

- The amount of studying I have to do now till 3pm tomorrow is giving me serious depression (tweeted this at 10.25pm and nopes i did not study till 3pm the next day)

- Bad things happen to lazy people (yup it does)

- drank so much coffee my hands are shaking so bad I swear I'm not on drugs (I drank 5 cups too many that day)

- I think I have this permanent grumpy expression (I'm just grumpy. in general)

- my face is just so bad (or has it always been this way hmm)

- I feel really bad for people who have to see me in this unwashed hair and sleep deprived state (I really do)

- I'm so tired really I have never been so drained (I say that every semester every finals every assignment every class every weekday every hour)

- You know you're hideous when you haven't taken a selfie in almost a week and when you try to you have to direct the camera away from your face (selfie above was done with good lighting and numerous attempts and it still turned out hmm)

- wow so tired I actually fell asleep for 2 hours and woke up with drool on my laptop (yup drool stain still there)

- this is me going out with glasses, chocolate milk stained sweatshirt and house slippers because i really do not care anymore (went out to get more chocolate milk btw)

-the size of the pimple on my face is directly proportional to the amount of stress I'm facing, you can say it's about to take over my face (yup)

I think I'm funny.

Not really.

the rate I consume chocolate coated peanuts at is worrying.

oh ya Finals is more worrying.

you and I

You sit there, elbows propped on the kitchen table, head resting on the back of your hands, you inch forward expectantly, your gaze fixed steadfastly on my lips, on every movement they make, almost as if you anticipate each letter forming the words I utter to be visible, and you can't wait to delve in to them.

You're so untainted, so unsuspecting, you don't even hesitate to wonder for a moment if you'll be let down by what I am about to deliver.

I haven't missed you much. You're insecure, so afraid to do what others do with ease. I would tell you to stop, that your appearance really shouldn't matter that much, but I won't. You're dreamy, your aspirations cross the line between impressive to being mostly unrealistic. I would feed you all these cliches, would reblog a thousand motivational posts on Tumblr, but I won't.

I might appear superior to you, but I'm not. I'm mostly like you, a bit more, a bit less.

and I don't even have that much to say to you so I'll just stop here.














You, are my 12 year old self.

I, am my 20 year old self today.


I hope you're not too disappointed with myself because I am.

Everyone : *strives for the best grades / top notched universities

Me : *does mental calculation. So how many questions can I afford not to answer to not fail? Oh I only need 25/60 to pass? Thats 2/4 questions? Ok. I can read 2 chapters a day before my finals.

*sails through life on a cloud going wheeeeeee~

^

This is Me. This is why I panic when I'm done sky gliding.

This

Is

Why

I

Am

Panicking.

( Panicking -> 3 days of unwashed hair, unkept appearance, cups stained with coffee, and Instagram-ing instead of Studying because I cannot make myself face this)

A hashtag attached to my life is #whatareyoudoingmelisawhat

1. I am panicking.
2. I have 12 days left to my finals.
3. I am panicking.
4. I just started on the first chapter of Criminal Law
5. I am panicking
6. I have been to about 40% of my tutorials this semester
7. I am panicking
8. I go out too often
9. I am panicking
10. I just cried over the amount I need to study (and comprehend)

Things I like to worry about

1. are a figment of my imagination
2. shifts around for the better after I forgo sleep for 5 nights in a row
3. generates more tears than necessary

Things I try not to worry about

1. should not be swept aside
2. are more worrying than they appear to be
3. qualify as catastrophes

Now this, this is something I would not like to worry about.

This is how a date is supposed to be (Part II)

9. Now Date 9 would (according to our schedule) compromise of a breakfast of latte and biscotti/granola bars if we haven't had so much to eat the day before.

And we were going for a buffet so it's only economical (and Malaysian) to start off a buffet on an empty stomach.

Truth is we're just lazy by nature and Breakfast is quite unnatural for people of that particular characteristic .

So Date 9 was a cab ride to Paradigm Mall.

10. Date 10 was a walk around the mall

(I restrain from inserting too much excitement into each sentence but of course when you're with your boyfriend a walk around the mall isn't merely 'a walk around the mall' it's so much better)

(and now i all i can picture is a dog straining on it's leash and sniffing frantically at every bush/tree in it's vicinity when it's out on it's evening walk)

Kidding.

 11. I must say we worked pretty well as a team to finish off 12 sets of beef/chicken/mutton slices at Suki-Ya.

:')

*sticks Couple Buffet Star Award sticker on to shirt

12. Everything from Date 12 onwards was a mystery. 

I remember taking the LRT to KLCC

Like I said, it was all a blur.

This was my second time taking the LRT. **

My capabilities when it comes to public transport (or directions or driving) on a scale of one to ten does not exist.

It's okay my boyfriend is a 11 for all of the above.

*Probably my last too unless I'm with my boyfriend because his armpits are the only one I can stand
**** Rephrase because that sentence appears to be highly inappropriate
*******I appear to be below the average height of the population taking the LRT so it; inevitable that I face someone's armpit for 20 minutes straight

13. We had to flag a taxi from KLCC to Pavilion because Waze/Maps told us it was a 40 minutes walk and we got lost and I was frantic because the movie was to start in 10 minutes and anyway we got there (after paying RM15 for a 3 minutes drive)

14. We watched ........ Horns in Pavillion (just because Harry Potter is in it)

Yup. That's why my boyfriend said. Harry Potter is in Horns.

(I don't review movies)
(I struggle between trying to decide if it's really good or really bad)
(in the case of Horns my judgement was still impaired by the amount of food I had so I can't really tell)****

***Alson said it's really bad though

15. We got lost.

No details

(because I don't remember)***

***and I chose not to

(Pictures taken in Pavillion right before an hour spent being lost)

 16. Shoe shopping and Once Upon A Time Milkshakes *,*

17. Date 17 on the 17th of November.

:D

Now that my blog has been filled with pictures I feel the need to exert myself to balance it out with lengthy posts with nothing but words.

Or maybe it's the fact that my Finals is in 2 weeks.

Hmm.

This is how a date is supposed to be (PART1)

I never did get around to writing on my very first date.

Instead, here's a post on a weekend of dates.

1. we agreed that we needed a lifestyle revamp hence the incorporation of Breakfast (at 9am) into our schedule as Date 1 (also his plane departed at 7am and landed at 7:45am we really had no choice but to have Breakfast) 

I insisted on leaving the comforts of (the air-conditioning and couches in) Starbucks for (his) ruined pants from sitting on wet grass, constant apprehension of crows eying our food, swatting at bugs and sweat trickling down our backs 

(I'm not sure if it was abnormally hot for 9am because my days usually start after 10am)

(plate and tray belongs to Starbucks because I forgot to bring plates or cutlery of any sort)

(I hope it isn't against Starbucks policy to place their trays on wet grass) 

I like how natural(ly unglam) we appear to be here

I think it tastes fine 

(if you swallow an entire block of cream cheese and nibble tentatively around the bread and smoked salmon and wash it down with a mouthful of Christmas Cookie Frappuccino)

Look at me in admiration of my sandwich.

I really do not understand his expression upon his first (huge) bite.

It wasn't that bad.

(Maybe I shouldn't have left the smoked salmon out to defrost one night before hmm)

More happy pictures (of me) while he (as always) is left with the less exciting tasks 

So happy. (even my sweat glands were triggered into working enthusiastically look at that moustache of sweat)

for the 142 likes on Instagram, I have to sit you down and solemnly point out that there was a lot of effort put in behind this.

2. I'm marking this as Date 2 because at this point we departed from breakfast into ......... more sandwich making (for my brother and the ducks in uni) 

Also there's a video of me flinging a quarter of the 'freshly baked' muesli bread from Cold Storage at the ducks but it's too much effort to upload it here.

3. there are no pictures because Date 3 was in Starbucks and no one takes pictures in Starbucks (right after they emerge from the outdoors all sweaty and ready to collapse onto a couch) 

4. Village Park's Nasi Lemak !

The number of tolls we crossed to get here probably amounts to a plate of this.

So worth it :')

I hope you agree 

5. Inside Scoop ! I would say this with utmost conviction, we would have appreciated our Durian and Almond(??) / Hazelnut (???) ice-cream more if we haven't had so much to eat before 

This is how you look when you'd gone past your eating capacity and it has amounted to reluctance (either from the need to eat or from wanting to and knowing you shouldn't)

The next time I'll make sure Inside Scoop turns into Date 4 instead. 

Then we can have the buttermilk waffles.

*rubs hands in glee 

6.  Chromeheart Origins in church ! 

(my second night actually and I still didn't manage a decent picture)

7.  if I would to be really precise, Date 7 would be the drive to Mont Kiara (because it was an adventure in itself with the heavy rain and my panic attacks whenever Waze interrupted our conversations with 'HAZARD REPORTED AHEAD'

(Apparently a downpour is a hazard to Waze)

anyway we had Korean BBQ at Sae Mae Eul !!!

(I think both of us really enjoy Korean/Thai/Japanese/Indian right I think we enjoy everything)

*glistening tears

*eyes glazes over

Idk how my hair got this messy (all I had to do was to toss seaweed and rice around)

I really liked the spicy rice balls....

and of course the company

Look! Time for Spicy Rice Balls!

and my boyfriend !! 

(Just in case you think I'm emphasising too much on the rice balls)

8. We played Poker.

I think I'm getting better at it

*poker face

#Louie&MelisainKL

I know I blog so off-handley

But I promise you. It was one of the best days I'd had.

I think I should go to bed because it's 5am.

today it rained.

It rained today. I would sit cross-legged on the floor, and contemplate my outfit out loud, change into 3 different hoodies before settling for a sweater and jeans.

It rained today. I would abandon any plans for cups of hot Milo, down comforters and Workaholics.

It rained today. I would willingly microwave packets of Instant Noodles and happily cause further health deterioration by emptying every accompanying seasoning.

But I didn't because you weren't here.

On a side note, I complained about the rain today.

angry person

You don't get rid of anger.

Anger demands to be heard.
Anger is the furious rhythm from the pounding of the keyboard. Anger is the throbbing in your head so intense it reverberates around the room. Anger is the heated words you don't utter but everyone hears.

Anger demands to be seen.
Anger is the blatant glares casted in your direction. Anger is the single worded replies you receive. Anger is the fiery red flashes before you.

Anger demands to be tasted.
Anger is the sour taste of bile at the back of your throat. Anger is the harsh gulps of air you take through heated conversations that causes you to choke. Anger is the bitterness that overpowers and subdues your tastebuds and it's all you know.

Please stop this anger.

I wonder if this is me.

When the dinner dates are over. When midnight movies aren't worth watching. When best friends are miles away.  When a favourite show comes to an end. When the thrill from meeting someone loses it's novelty. When I let my hair down at the end of the day. When I sit all alone.

and I'm just angry.

was I always this way.

lie with me.

I fabricate a lot of lies.

Over the years, I'd gotten pretty competent at lying.

I lied.

Now that too is a lie.

9 Lies I'd committed myself to in the span of 5 days :

1. that's the last popcorn I'm popping into my mouth

2. if I have a buffet lunch I can forgo the next 3 meals

3. I did 30 words in 8 minutes all i need is approximately 13.3 hours to finish this assignment

4. I can finish my assignment if I start 13.3 hours before midnight

5. green tea ice-cream is healthy I'll have more a bit more of the green tea one and less of the chocolate one also I'm picking nuts as toppings instead of sprinkles for the very same reason

6. I'm buying 3 tops from Topshop because Topshop is an investment and I'll wear them at least 50 times each

7. I don't need cakes or shopping to feel better

8. It's okay to wear the same pair of jeans 5 times a week no one notices jeans

9. To Ashley : Okay let's start our Legal Brief at 5pm

(at 5:01PM)

To Ashley : Let's start at 5:05pm I don't feel ready

What can I say, it's now 5:06pm.