an uneventful Sunday. just what I needed actually

longest rant ever

I finally decided on giving up on Science.

yes after all those year(s) in High School/college when I was so damn sure that I would go into dentistry, would spend my entire life being contented staring at decayed molars , fiddling and poking (I'm pretty sure that's not the right term but I'm too tired to think) around with cavities

I'll be nice to myself for once and not self abuse and call myself mad. Naivety la.

why.

1. I'm not smart enough period. (putting this in a way to make it sound the least like 'pls la i'm saying this for attention like faster tell me i'm not d') I'M NOT. I struggle so hard with Math it's unbelievable normal people would be able to understand a simple equation and I still have to stop and wonder if I can cross multiply or not it's so stupid sometimes I just want to bawl my eyes out especially when I'm attempting to solve questions at 4 in the morning and (gonna sound so primary chinese school kid kiasu like now) one of my most humiliating moments in primary included getting the lowest mark for Math in class when I was in Primary 6 so siasui for chinese school student till i can remember the exact marks. of course now I couldn't be bothered anymore (because it's a monthly routine wth hahahaha) but yeah. and I know perhaps if I bothered putting in more effort (because Math is the one subject you really can't study at the last minute) I would be less terrible at it which reminds me

2. I AM SO DAMN LAZY AND UNDISCIPLINED (this one no one can argue with) I can come up with a million excuses and reasons with myself on why I should put studying on hold like really my excuses are just out of the world no one would even believe me

3. The requirements are just too high. if anyone wants to seize the chance to throw a bunch of motivational quotes at me like 'MAKE THE IMPOSSIBLE POSSIBLE' (okay i came up with that don't know if it actually exists and if it does it shouldn't) please don't. I might be delusional about a lot of things but not this.

4. (whined about this before) I cannot handle stress at all. and the syllabus for dentistry is equivalent to medicine with extra subjects. so yeah, I tried picturing myself burying my head in medical books daily and the only image I could conjure my in head was....uhh myself eating/shopping/watching movies hahahaha okay nolah *attempts to redeem myself. but really, doing that for 5 years (and another 2 for specialism) KILL ME NOW *doesn't even bother to add in the word dramatic straight end my misery please

5. it's probably one of the MOST expensive courses. if i decide on twinning it's like what 1.5mil HAHAHA SIAO I rather use that money and survive on bread and water for the rest of my life (which is actually untrue because I can't stand bread) and I really don't want to see my Dad under so much pressure. it happens when you and your sibling are only a year apart. the colleges/unis just swoop in and wipe you clean. that's the most exact description I can come up with for now hahaha

6. No one thinks 'it's me'. Like really no one (cept for those aunty/uncle sort I visit once a year they always go like 'wah wah dentist ah earn a lot very good ah now good good') and I was reluctant to believe them at first (i HATE not having an ambition or at least a vague idea of some sort of what I'm aiming for) but my parents are usually right about so many things, I sat and thought it through *scrolls up to 1-5 . and i started having doubts too. and it scared me really bad when I finally decided to give it up (my second option was actually Biotech/Biomed..........

7. 'What you like best isn't always your strongest point' I really do like Bio, way way way more than Business which I actually took as an extra sub but happened to score the highest for. I know it doesn't actually translate to me being more of a humanities person instead of science but almost every Science course out there places it's importance on Chemistry (which I hate with a passion ahahaha almost as much as math ok)

SO. LIKE THAT LOR.

I know people out there are always harping on about 'doingwhat you love' and all that but i'm not much of a risk taker (OK understatement I CANNOT TAKE RISKS ONE WHERE MY FUTURE CAREER IS CONCERNED) and right, in the long run how realistic is doing what you love. I love food I love Internet wanna be Food blogger meh no right (smr only know how to describe food as 'good' 'yummy' 'wah so nice wei') . Deciding to give up on smthg I'd decided on for a few years was probably the most difficult decision I had to make in my life *serious (if you'd been shopping with me please don't compare that scenario with me chosing between 2 different bags or smthg it's not like that kay hahahaa)

I feel so relieved now. like (clichest of all cliche cliches) a weight was lifted off my shoulders because I can just stop worrying. and if my results suck also nehmind d

now I just have to pick a uni and course.

it never ends that is?

but it's okay. I'm just trusting in Him for everything now. I've had plenty downs and I've made it through this far pretty okay (I think) by the grace of God. SERIOUSLY. (okay this is for another post I shall stop)

and if you made it to the end of my rant. thank you teehee it's almost 3AM now nights!

p/s: wouldn't it be amusing if after this long post I decide on Science again hahahahaha I will let you murder me then ok

I'm sorry it's just that Twitter is so much more convenient. and interesting

if it's not you.

"it's not you it's me"

really? flinging around such an abused, feeble, overused line. what is it supposed to arouse? sympathy? an easy route out, a reason to slip away unnoticed? to steer clear of any sort of fuss, to plant seeds of doubt and guilt, to have the upper hand even after throwing in the towel first?

how utterly deceitful.

but it's true.

it's not you. it's me. 

feelingzx

And as the world comes to an end,
I'l be there to hold your hand,
'Cause you're a king and I'm your lionheart.

King And Lionheart - Monster And Men 

Now I'm breaking at the seams,
Dropping to my knees,
Nothing left of me, no

When She Was Mine - Lawson

Five minutes at a time I'm gone
I'm right here

Five Minutes - Scattered Trees

If a feeling appears,
If your mind should sway,
It's not a secret you should keep,
I won't let you slip away

Chained - The XX

Do you wake up on your own and wonder where you are?
You live with all your faults

Slide - The Goo Goo Dolls

i forgot how to write. not that i was any good at it to begin with

an empty space. lost for words.

hello . I'm back. Definitely more screwed up than before.

ah well.

GOALS :

1. As

2. Don't lose hope / focus

3. Be nice to everyone even if it was a rough week

 4. PRAY DAILY

I'm leaving this blog for a while because it's filled with more negativity than I like and I really need to remind myself of the good moments 

and well yes cause I'm random like that.

Bye :)