when.

I blog at my lowest points.

This blog serves as a timeline dominated by days when I know nothing but hurt, when I can't shake off the achy feeling etched there, right there where I'm most vulnerable, when the lump in my throat swells to astronomical sizes, when it bubbles and spills over, when I emerge drained because crying isn't a relief anymore, it comes in unconstrained waves and it really depletes you and-

I shouldn't be blogging.

why hurt right.

here's a post.

Here's a post. 

It contains highs, the first-class, noteworthy sort, it almost feels synthetic. From a meaningful side-glance that conveys inside jokes. From affection, not the over-exaggerated sort, or one that is so highly convenient it leaves you complacent. From infectious giggles. Hugs that do more than envelope you in a blanket of security.

It also compromises of unspoken rules, resentment laughed off begrudgingly, little spurts of uncertainty that accumulates into a torrent of doubts you find yourself constantly drenched in. It holds a soft spot for poignant thoughts. It accommodates apprehension, the pain of fruitless anticipation, so sharp, it comes close to shattering the silence you're enveloped in.

Just like my days used to be (occasionally is)

you have a(n almost) perfect relationship balancing the extremes

except for your sneaky little affair with sadness you try your best to smuggle away but we all know how ruthless affairs are on relationships.

And from this post, I conclude that it shall remain the last one.

Because ugh.

.

given two options,

 would you rather, spend your life with someone who despite your pretty shitty qualities would give up anything for you but your feelings for them borderline between affection, convenience and nothing more

or

someone who makes you feel like, well like extracts from chick lit books on racing hearts, flushed cheeks and sweaty palms all the time but they care significantly less about you

Just wondering.

btw someone ; 'you have the mindset of a female whose only intention of getting married is to reproduce'

Lol.

I either feel too much or I don't feel at all most of the time its the latter

Oh the things you'd gone through feelings no one should ever have it's 3.41am how long has it been since I'd brought up the exact time I'm signing off goodnight to you you're not here but it's okay hey I'm not sad I'd never needed anyone I'd always been fine all on my own I'll pull through 2 more hours till I leave for home maybe just maybe 

Annoying things I do,

Download about 50 applications I find remotely 'interesting' or 'applicable to my situation now' like myHomework / Argus / Spktosnooze / ToshFinance and just leave them to eat up space in my phone .

On the bright side. I finally noticed the Blogger icon (after a few months) :D 

So hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. 

Despite looking 6, I have piles of assignments to do so bye. 

first week of uni : 

Overwhelmed is an understatement 

Trusting God that all will go well ! :)

Cameron Highlands

DAMN DO I FEEL EMOTIONAL.

(i will resist going on a rant tho and try to keep this post related to it's title)

OH GOD I WANT MY CHOCOLATE

*catches sight of picture of strawberries below

CHOCOLATE COATED STRAWBERRIES TOPPED WITH WHIPPED CREAM

*sobs and blows nose with chocolate wrappers

i shall just continue to mope around like i always do while everyone soldiers on with life , one dark spot in everyone's irritatingly bright carey-sharey world, it's not like this dull ominous ache is something i'm unfamiliar with *dramatic 

aiya with my bounce back resilience, i'll wake up tmr and be fine

so.

don't worry okay.

(if you happen to be)

if not.

OH NEVER MIND. 

this post should be titled Melisa's futile attempts on a proper blog post when she's being bipolar

OH HI THERE ^^

PRETTY PLACE HEHE

we bought tons of vegetables and strawberries and it was a pain lugging 10 kilograms of corn back to the hotel and it wasn't even sweet enough to be eaten on it's own in fact it tastes so bad we couldn't even give them away like we planned to so for the next week most of our meals had yellow bits in it (corn) (etc yellow bits in porridge, yellow bits in stir fried vegetables, yellow bits in gravy)

i'd stopped discovering yellow bits in my food so i guess we'd finally used up the whole corn supply yayz

drove all the way up to the tea plantation (roads damn winding plz bad memories of us screaming in the car when we reached this particularly narrow part and when you peer out all you see is this valley (of death) below and thoughts of plummeting to your death isn't that far fetched especially when there's an incoming lorry OK DRAMATIC LO NOTHING HAPPENED)

anyway. it was so gorgeous. and the airrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

ok. the air.

yes it is fresh all your muscles go into relaxation mode (inserts biology term for this) and you tend to inhale really deeply and

it also has the scent of chicken shit.

believe me i went 'WAH SO FRESH *SNIFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFS-"

ma model of the day !

plz. i made them do this.

and this is the sort of pictures i have of me

so i decided to take one on my own and *hurls camera down the valley

look. fat bee.

here is one with my fat face and the worker came over and asked if i could not lean and destroy the flowers

(pictures taken with phone)

finished One Day in the hotel room (and also a few boxes of strawberries) because there wasn't line

*relieved

blogging feels like a chore now

and sorry if i sound like a total psychopath i'll go back to my cave and start on another season of the big bang theory