Do you not know the recipe for a concoction so potent it acts as well as any explosive out there?

A 4 seconds interval between about a lifetime of sharp words, an angry person, grudges, and a slip of the tongue.

Do you not know the kill switch for this bomb?

Because I do not.

do better

when you'd been out an entire day, and at the end of it all you want is the familiar left turn into the street you live in, the welcoming sight of the driveway, to swing the front door open, to step into a 20 minutes long hot shower and work up a lather of scented body wash and shampoo, to hear the thud of your body collapsing in relief onto your bed.

to have all the dirt and grime of unpleasantness from the outside world all fervently scrubbed at and scraped away, washed down the drain hole.

I wish I could do that with my life right now. Strip the past 20 years away and start from scratch.

I could do so much better.

Relationships with others, 

we misrepresent them to be more durable than they really are, making them out to be this barrage, an endless stretch of concrete wall furnished with steel poles, when most of the time, parts of this wall have been rendered paper thin from unresolved arguments, cracks have found their way in through discontement, and water starts seeping out, first in trickles, then a steady stream, until enough pressure builds up against this wall and it collapses. 

But it's okay. Everyone else saw this coming. They tell you to evacuate, to steer clear of this place, to isolate yourself, to give yourself time, because this wall can be rebuilt. 

Relationship with yourself,

they're a dependable source, a place of refuge, you're there to mend and plaster away at the first signs of a threat.

so it's disconcerting, to be detached from yourself. You shouldn't disconnect with an entity you belong to.

sometimes, the feeling of isolation is so intense, it's almost like I'm looking at myself from a distance.

and I do not like what I see.

and I really want this to stop.

It's day 4 of finals and into the 2nd paper and the welt on my left finger has swelled up to an alarming size.

So has the pimple on my right cheek. 

(this is how exhausted I look now and I was sweating from carrying so many books around uni and ended up collapsing outside of the exam room)

and because I am horribly uncreative and tired I'm copying and pasting all my finals related tweets here 

-Wish I were going to Korea too instead of being stuck in this horrible room with criminal law to study (Louie went to Korea for a week I'm sorry I like to stick to him all the time I should stop I have criminal law)

- Bought so much chocolate milk (Ashley in reference to me dumping 1litre of chocolate milk on the counter in 7-11 ; "you're getting that?? I'm not judging btw")

- The amount of studying I have to do now till 3pm tomorrow is giving me serious depression (tweeted this at 10.25pm and nopes i did not study till 3pm the next day)

- Bad things happen to lazy people (yup it does)

- drank so much coffee my hands are shaking so bad I swear I'm not on drugs (I drank 5 cups too many that day)

- I think I have this permanent grumpy expression (I'm just grumpy. in general)

- my face is just so bad (or has it always been this way hmm)

- I feel really bad for people who have to see me in this unwashed hair and sleep deprived state (I really do)

- I'm so tired really I have never been so drained (I say that every semester every finals every assignment every class every weekday every hour)

- You know you're hideous when you haven't taken a selfie in almost a week and when you try to you have to direct the camera away from your face (selfie above was done with good lighting and numerous attempts and it still turned out hmm)

- wow so tired I actually fell asleep for 2 hours and woke up with drool on my laptop (yup drool stain still there)

- this is me going out with glasses, chocolate milk stained sweatshirt and house slippers because i really do not care anymore (went out to get more chocolate milk btw)

-the size of the pimple on my face is directly proportional to the amount of stress I'm facing, you can say it's about to take over my face (yup)

I think I'm funny.

Not really.

the rate I consume chocolate coated peanuts at is worrying.

oh ya Finals is more worrying.

you and I

You sit there, elbows propped on the kitchen table, head resting on the back of your hands, you inch forward expectantly, your gaze fixed steadfastly on my lips, on every movement they make, almost as if you anticipate each letter forming the words I utter to be visible, and you can't wait to delve in to them.

You're so untainted, so unsuspecting, you don't even hesitate to wonder for a moment if you'll be let down by what I am about to deliver.

I haven't missed you much. You're insecure, so afraid to do what others do with ease. I would tell you to stop, that your appearance really shouldn't matter that much, but I won't. You're dreamy, your aspirations cross the line between impressive to being mostly unrealistic. I would feed you all these cliches, would reblog a thousand motivational posts on Tumblr, but I won't.

I might appear superior to you, but I'm not. I'm mostly like you, a bit more, a bit less.

and I don't even have that much to say to you so I'll just stop here.














You, are my 12 year old self.

I, am my 20 year old self today.


I hope you're not too disappointed with myself because I am.

Everyone : *strives for the best grades / top notched universities

Me : *does mental calculation. So how many questions can I afford not to answer to not fail? Oh I only need 25/60 to pass? Thats 2/4 questions? Ok. I can read 2 chapters a day before my finals.

*sails through life on a cloud going wheeeeeee~

^

This is Me. This is why I panic when I'm done sky gliding.

This

Is

Why

I

Am

Panicking.

( Panicking -> 3 days of unwashed hair, unkept appearance, cups stained with coffee, and Instagram-ing instead of Studying because I cannot make myself face this)

A hashtag attached to my life is #whatareyoudoingmelisawhat

1. I am panicking.
2. I have 12 days left to my finals.
3. I am panicking.
4. I just started on the first chapter of Criminal Law
5. I am panicking
6. I have been to about 40% of my tutorials this semester
7. I am panicking
8. I go out too often
9. I am panicking
10. I just cried over the amount I need to study (and comprehend)