I actually feel really upset now because it's a long weekend ahead and I should be back home but here I am sitting in the hostel alone.

Hey my boyfriend blogs

louieongg.blogspot.com

I feel threatened by this 5'5 female.

Oh I miss you. 

read

Been trying to get back into reading. Not flippant attempts at finishing a book on a long car ride or skimming through a few pages half-halfheartedly, but actual, sitting down, without my phone in vicinity and devour an entire book. 

Yeah.

Anyway, quotes from a few books. 

1. Jenny Han, To All The Boys I'd Loved Before

"When someone's been gone a long time, at first you save up all the things you want to tell them. You try to keep track of everything in your head. But it's like trying to hold on to a fistful of sand: all the little bits slip out of your hands, and then you're just clutching air and grit. That's why you can't save it all up like that. 

Because by the time you finally see each other, you're catching up only on the big things, because it's too much bother to tell about the little things. But the little things are what make up life.” 

“Plenty of people are good-looking. That doesn't make them interesting or intriguing or cool.” 

2. Gillian Flynn, Gone Girl 

“Tampon commercial, detergent commercial, maxi pad commercial, windex commercial - you'd think all women do is clean and bleed.” 

“I often don't say things out loud, even when I should. I contain and compartmentalize to a disturbing degree: In my belly-basement are hundreds of bottles of rage, despair, fear, but you'd never guess from looking at me.”  

“Because isn’t that the point of every relationship: to be known by someone else, to be understood? He gets me. She gets me. Isn’t that the simple magic phrase?” 

“Because you can’t be as in love as we were and not have it invade your bone marrow. Our kind of love can go into remission, but it’s always waiting to return. Like the world’s sweetest cancer.”  

“Love makes you want to be a better man. But maybe love, real love, also gives you permission to just be the man you are.”  

“There’s a difference between really loving someone and loving the idea of her.” 

3. Jodi Picoult,

Nineteen Minutes 

“You don't need water to feel like you're drowning, do you?”  

“In nineteen minutes, you can mow the front lawn; color your hair; watch a third of a hockey game. In nineteen minutes, you can bake scones or get a tooth filled by a dentist; you can fold laundry for a family of five.In nineteen minutes, you can stop the world; or you can just jump off it.”  

“I don't know what you think of me. And you certainly would never picture us together. But probably peanut butter was just peanut butter for a long time, before someone ever thought of pairing it with jelly. And there was salt, but it started to taste better when there was pepper. And what's the point of butter without bread? Anyway by myself I'm nothing special. But with you I could be.”  

“Do you know how there are moments when the world moves so slowly you can feel your bones shifting, your mind tumbling? When you think that no matter what happens to you for the rest of your life, you will remember every last detail of that one minute forever?” 

The Pact

“I, um, I have this problem. I broke up with my boyfriend, you see. And I'm pretty upset about it, so I wanted to talk to my best friend. The thing is, they're both you.” 

Second Glance

“Did you ever walk through a room that's packed with people, and feel so lonely you can hardly take the next step?”  

“Words, for all they were flimsy and invisible, had great strength. They could be fortified as a castle wall and sharp as a foil. They could bite, slap, shock, wound. But unlike deeds, words couldn't really help you. No promise ever rescued a person; it was the carrying-through of it that brought about salvation.” 

4. Dorothy Koomson,

Marshmallows For Breakfast

“She believed that owning a lots of things made you a better person. She didn't know - possibly didn't want to know - that happiness comes from the inside.” 

“But feelings aren't like thoughts, they can't be changed at will.” 

My Best Friend's Girl

“Crying was an acceptable outlet, even if it made you feel raw and empty inside, it was still better than that build up of resentment that grew from not letting your emotions out.” 

I really don't have much to do. Now, a week later I'll probably say different. First week back for classes, I wish I were home instead. Waiting for a Skype call. Hahahahahahaha. Goodnight!

I'm a list sort of person.

Haven't made one in a while.

Minor accomplishments, today I :

1. Made my bed

2. Stopped at one cup of coffee

3. Remembered my umbrella

4. Wasn't late for class

5. Sat through my first two classes of my Second Year in Law School

6. Spent within budget

7. Did the Ice Bucket Challenge

8. Did laundry

9. Felt a little less sad a lot more happy

10. (in all honesty waking up when the alarm went off is one on it's own)

I'll do better tomorrow

The things I want to say

The things I want to say

They're specks of dust glinting in the sunlight, they don't bother you much until you run your finger across a piece of furniture, notice the dust bunnies peeking out beneath the bed and that the curtains aren't the light pastel color you once picked out, then they start to irritate you and you just want to get rid of them. 

They don't come in fancy phrases, they're raw and unfiltered, harsh and unforgiving, rough and unrelenting

Maybe for this very reason, for the distance they take, to travel out of your mouth, they collide into hazards and red flags, neon warning signs flashing furiously for retreat. 

So I retract them just in time and they remain the things I want to say. 

But I never do because the things I want to say are the things I feel the most.

I still want to feel. 

can i be more

it's the first of August already I'm not ready this is too much I wake up past noon and I'm ready for naps by 3pm I forget to use punctuation I don't sip tea from fancy chinaware and contemplate life I'm only at S4E1 of Game Of Thrones and the spoilers are all over the net my books are not arranged in accordance to authors/genres it annoys me but I'd been out everyday and when I'm home I'm tired I love the TV I hate the Wifi at home I'd been planning to call and complain I eat out more than I should I try to lay off coffee but it's not working I get headaches without them I don't work out anymore I lost my running shoes when we moved I wish we had Ikea here I keep coming up with excuses I'm sleepy did I tell you that my head hurts and I really want tomyam now and more sleep 5 more months till 2015 hmm okay

I am not ready for life itself.

Going out in a bit.

kkkkkkkkkkkkkk. bye.

20

I know, such a sad song to play on your 20th Birthday.

oh hey I'm 20.

what if trust

what if trust were a game of Jenga between 2 players

54 blocks, stacked to form a solid tower,

comprised of do(s) and don't(s) in a relationship,

3 blocks laid flat in one direction made up of promises,

first block labelled with words casually doled out over dinner

second block imprinted with tears and vows to never again

third with hints to commit, to change, to be better

3 blocks make up the base

every fresh placement of 3 blocks imposes pressure on the existing ones

you go on till you hit 18 levels

then you take turns, both of you

it's unfortunate and slightly twisted

but you still do it, making it almost inevitable

you scrutinize this tower, you lean over and gingerly slide out a single block

you pick it and discard it, this first block done without much thought

because even without it, you're assured that the tower still stands

first block removed, first promise broken

next person shadows your actions

repeat

until the tower teeters, threatens to tip over

a relationship at it's breaking point

both of you hesitate, every move is calculated,

but beneath the measures taken to keep the tower from collapsing,

to grasp onto the frayed ends of a relationship and anchor them onto the ground

you both know how this will end

either of you are bound to discard of that one block that leads to the crash

it only matters on whose part

Trust.

But it's fine because trust isn't a game.


*drafted this 2 months ago
*emphasize is on the words in red/bold/underlined thank you
*I'd only played Jenga once

blogging is a less liberal, more refined version of Twitter, sans the 140 characters limit, there's the demand to take heed that every sentence strung along is grammatically precise, pictures that do more than justify captions, it's more than a dump site of impulsive words and uncalculated thoughts.

it's 14 days into the second half of the year, I'm done with First Year of Law School,  a week into my semester break and the paragraph above is to make up for the lack of substantial blogging material 

and then this is an excuse I fabricated because there are things I would rather do besides blogging

like have ice-cream and cake for breakfast

stay in bed to read

 color coordinating my clothes

going out

maybe I shouldn't blog when it's coerced out of boredom 

hi. my finals ended today.

yay.

and I'm going home on Monday!

oh and prom tomorrow.

:D

^^^^ ^^^^ ^^^^^ happy

this isn't a hate post.

No I don't hate you.

Perhaps a tinge of irritation when you first turned up. I did find you too brazen for my liking.
You bear the impression of that popular kid whose face crinkled into an angry mess when at the age of 7, I didn't realize that having preferences was socially unacceptable, that favoring someone else's drawing was unheard of. You remind me of the 2 weeks period I had to spend lunch break alone.

But no I don't blame you for my inferiority complex. It would be absurd to do so.

How could I. My emotions are merely a reflex. Nothing more.They're the sentimental equivalent to the pain an amputee feels in a lost limb.

When your smirk becomes more pronounced, and so did my dislike for it, I swallow my urge to call quits to this relationship.

If everyone notices it, they don't point it out. The cliche about accepting a person wholly? I always admired them for mastering it because I never could with you.

See this is a lie I fabricated to put myself at ease.

No one finds fault in you like I do. I have a sneaky suspicion that they're taken by your brashness, smitten by your big words, even when you swoop down and impose your problems on us. The only resentment developing comes from me that no one else sees past that imposing stance. I resent them for embracing you in your entirety.

Now I just avoid you at all costs. I stopped turning up at events when your name shows up on the invitation list. I give tight lipped smiles when someone brings you up. Just enough to indicate the indifference I'm starting to feel. I learn how easy it is to make excuses for myself.

But you're this larger than life figure that I can't seem to shake off by shying away.

How do you delete a person from your life when your relationships intertwine, with expectations and obligations woven in.

You don't?

Maybe this is a hate post after all.

I really do hate law.

I hate law this much.

Enough to refer to law as a person.

Mhm.

when.

I blog at my lowest points.

This blog serves as a timeline dominated by days when I know nothing but hurt, when I can't shake off the achy feeling etched there, right there where I'm most vulnerable, when the lump in my throat swells to astronomical sizes, when it bubbles and spills over, when I emerge drained because crying isn't a relief anymore, it comes in unconstrained waves and it really depletes you and-

I shouldn't be blogging.

why hurt right.

here's a post.

Here's a post. 

It contains highs, the first-class, noteworthy sort, it almost feels synthetic. From a meaningful side-glance that conveys inside jokes. From affection, not the over-exaggerated sort, or one that is so highly convenient it leaves you complacent. From infectious giggles. Hugs that do more than envelope you in a blanket of security.

It also compromises of unspoken rules, resentment laughed off begrudgingly, little spurts of uncertainty that accumulates into a torrent of doubts you find yourself constantly drenched in. It holds a soft spot for poignant thoughts. It accommodates apprehension, the pain of fruitless anticipation, so sharp, it comes close to shattering the silence you're enveloped in.

Just like my days used to be (occasionally is)

you have a(n almost) perfect relationship balancing the extremes

except for your sneaky little affair with sadness you try your best to smuggle away but we all know how ruthless affairs are on relationships.

And from this post, I conclude that it shall remain the last one.

Because ugh.

.

given two options,

 would you rather, spend your life with someone who despite your pretty shitty qualities would give up anything for you but your feelings for them borderline between affection, convenience and nothing more

or

someone who makes you feel like, well like extracts from chick lit books on racing hearts, flushed cheeks and sweaty palms all the time but they care significantly less about you

Just wondering.

btw someone ; 'you have the mindset of a female whose only intention of getting married is to reproduce'

Lol.

I either feel too much or I don't feel at all most of the time its the latter

Oh the things you'd gone through feelings no one should ever have it's 3.41am how long has it been since I'd brought up the exact time I'm signing off goodnight to you you're not here but it's okay hey I'm not sad I'd never needed anyone I'd always been fine all on my own I'll pull through 2 more hours till I leave for home maybe just maybe 

Annoying things I do,

Download about 50 applications I find remotely 'interesting' or 'applicable to my situation now' like myHomework / Argus / Spktosnooze / ToshFinance and just leave them to eat up space in my phone .

On the bright side. I finally noticed the Blogger icon (after a few months) :D 

So hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. 

Despite looking 6, I have piles of assignments to do so bye. 

first week of uni : 

Overwhelmed is an understatement 

Trusting God that all will go well ! :)

Cameron Highlands

DAMN DO I FEEL EMOTIONAL.

(i will resist going on a rant tho and try to keep this post related to it's title)

OH GOD I WANT MY CHOCOLATE

*catches sight of picture of strawberries below

CHOCOLATE COATED STRAWBERRIES TOPPED WITH WHIPPED CREAM

*sobs and blows nose with chocolate wrappers

i shall just continue to mope around like i always do while everyone soldiers on with life , one dark spot in everyone's irritatingly bright carey-sharey world, it's not like this dull ominous ache is something i'm unfamiliar with *dramatic 

aiya with my bounce back resilience, i'll wake up tmr and be fine

so.

don't worry okay.

(if you happen to be)

if not.

OH NEVER MIND. 

this post should be titled Melisa's futile attempts on a proper blog post when she's being bipolar

OH HI THERE ^^

PRETTY PLACE HEHE

we bought tons of vegetables and strawberries and it was a pain lugging 10 kilograms of corn back to the hotel and it wasn't even sweet enough to be eaten on it's own in fact it tastes so bad we couldn't even give them away like we planned to so for the next week most of our meals had yellow bits in it (corn) (etc yellow bits in porridge, yellow bits in stir fried vegetables, yellow bits in gravy)

i'd stopped discovering yellow bits in my food so i guess we'd finally used up the whole corn supply yayz

drove all the way up to the tea plantation (roads damn winding plz bad memories of us screaming in the car when we reached this particularly narrow part and when you peer out all you see is this valley (of death) below and thoughts of plummeting to your death isn't that far fetched especially when there's an incoming lorry OK DRAMATIC LO NOTHING HAPPENED)

anyway. it was so gorgeous. and the airrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

ok. the air.

yes it is fresh all your muscles go into relaxation mode (inserts biology term for this) and you tend to inhale really deeply and

it also has the scent of chicken shit.

believe me i went 'WAH SO FRESH *SNIFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFS-"

ma model of the day !

plz. i made them do this.

and this is the sort of pictures i have of me

so i decided to take one on my own and *hurls camera down the valley

look. fat bee.

here is one with my fat face and the worker came over and asked if i could not lean and destroy the flowers

(pictures taken with phone)

finished One Day in the hotel room (and also a few boxes of strawberries) because there wasn't line

*relieved

blogging feels like a chore now

and sorry if i sound like a total psychopath i'll go back to my cave and start on another season of the big bang theory